I walked in shadows of,
Doubt- “would i ever meet someone interesting?” , “would there be another S?”.
Fear – “would she find me funny?” , “would she find me attractive?” .
Premonition – “i shall be alone, forever.” or worse, “settle for something less than special.”
long odds then, that by quirk of fate,
I chance upon her – A.
human vessel to my dreams.
Doubt — vanquished, Fear looms large.
And then there is that Sunday, when things come crashing down.
what a lovely demolition that was,
sipping cold chocolate with long straws,
clutching at half-words, kind compliments .. those grasping flails of love
those cold comforts.
breeze billowing, sun shining .. all mocking witness to my fate.
In sadness, there is beauty. And beauty was spilling over that day — sadly.
one drop, one word, one glance at a time.
And evening made it worse,
a side of her .. i hadn’t glimpsed
the girl, never in full cry …
had come out to play.
And toy she did, with me.
Where I met N. — and faced that awkward past
a tale of hurried words, unsaid meanings
of gardens shrinking in embarrassment,
at the “forward” nature of this boy.
N, manipulative, deceptively encouraging,
me– caught like a deer in the headlights of amorous desire!
All was well between us, so we said.
we are friends.
so we thought.
fate had other ideas, far more nuanced,complicated ideas.
grieving, sad, pining-for-love,
was my state.
Tragic does not begin to describe
my cup of woes.
And i found a fellow drinker.
Such a parched throat she had.
I obliged, gladly.
Sorrows shared, hearts revealed,
fantasies explored, insecurities discussed.
and we wonder how could “this” happen.
fellow passengers on the bullet-train of emotion,
not past the “Past” .. but back towards it.
intimacy, such a cruel seductress –
and dysfunctionality — forever ceasing to matter.
We arrived at the Past.
Confronted it and said “Fuck Off, we don’t care.”
A. will know, N. will tell.
I still have doubts, fears and premonitions.
But I also have Love.
The light shines brighter than before,
And I don’t walk in shadows anymore.